Our BUMPY Ride!!

Well, here we go again!! Our little Justin is going to be in the hospital again. We found a little lump on his tailbone last week. The doctor sent him to a surgeon, and he will be performing the surgery on October 7th to remove the cyst. Again we will be wondering and worrying while we wait for him in surgery and also while waiting for the results from the lab. I will update this blog entry as I know more information!!

Expect the Unexpected!!

I know Justin is a year old, but it took me this long to finally get it all out. I just wanted to let everyone know how unpredictable life can be. I thought I was an expert at having babies, I had it all planned out the third time around. My third pregnancy went smoothly, my c-section was scheduled, and I had my birth plan ready. I wanted to be in complete control of all aspects of the delivery, recovery, and time in the hospital. This was the plan: My c-section was scheduled for January 10th 2008 at about 7:30am. As soon as Justin was born, and I got back to the recovery room, I wanted to breastfeed him as soon as possible. No bottles allowed...no exceptions...lol! Since Gary had about a week off of work to care for us, I also wanted Justin to be in the hospital room with us and not at all in the nursery. I wanted to stay in the hospital as long as my insurance would let me, since mom was watching my other two boys. I just wanted to enjoy some time with Justin and Gary alone before we get back to the daily grind. I was so excited to have it all planned out and be in total control of my last pregnancy. Simple...right??WELL, let me tell you what really happened and how little control anyone has when a baby arrives. This is how it actually happened: We arrived at the hospital on time and all the paperwork was signed and ready to go. I got into the operating room, and got prepped for surgery. I was a bit scared, but that was normal. I was all numb, and feeling nothing. Gary by my side, we patiently waited to hear that little cry for the first time. The doctor called Gary over to witness his son being born, and he came back to my side with joyful tears in his eyes. It was so sweet. Justin Jacob Vukas was born at 8am, and weighed 6lbs. 11oz. Gary went with the doctors to clean and check the baby as they normally do. Then the door opened and I got my first look at my third little baby boy. He had a red, white, and blue knitted baby hat on, and wrapped like a burrito in his hospital blankie. He had dark hair and chubby little cheeks. Then the doctor said he was a little concerned with the way he was breathing, and that they would just have to watch him for a bit. I thought that was normal, and I had to get my tubal and get stitched back up anyway. I figured that was enough time for them to keep an eye on him. So, I gave him an itty bitty kiss and off he went. I got all stitched and sent back to recovery for a bit, with lots of meds. I remember lots of my family there coming in and out, and saying how beautiful the baby was. I was so full of pain medicine, I had no idea how much time had gone by or what even they were saying half the time. But as time ticked away that day, I still wasn't able to hold my son. I remember my brother was able to take a polaroid picture of him, and bring that to me. Justin had to be put under an oxygen hood because he wasn't breathing correctly. I finally was able to go and see him the next morning when I was able to stand up. It hurt like hell, but nothing was going to keep me from seeing my son. I just had to touch him and see him for myself. With much effort, I finally got up to the nursery. I wasn't able to hold him yet, but just seeing him was good. I was able to try and feed him my breastmilk through a tiny syringe, which he wasn't too fond of. In the next few days there were many trips to the nursery, and very little progress. After two days Justin was still not breathing any better, so he had to be transferred to the UMASS NICU. So, we were packing up two days before I even wanted to leave the hospital, and only two days after my c-section. We went to UMASS, which was about a half hour away. They set him up in the NICU overnight and we were only able to stay over with him for one night. We were given a room to stay in. It had a pull out thing that resembled a bed but it was hard as a rock and low to the floor. There was also a chair that almost reclined and I slept in that. I, of course, did not sleep at all since I was worried about how Justin was doing. And I was really unable to just get up and go to him without help because of my c-section. After the first night we were unable to stay at the hospital, so we were forced to commute back and forth each day. We would sit there by his side day after day, hour after hour. We would call family members to report his progress. It was days and nights of pumping my milk, midnight calls to the NICU, and two hours or more of driving each day and I was still not able to hold my son. Justin had something called TTN, which means he still had fluid left in his lungs from birth. We had to wait for his body to absorb the fluid and he was able to breath on his own before he could go home. Finally on the sixth day of his life, he wasn't under the hood anymore and I could hold Justin. I was finally able to breastfeed him, change his diaper, and do everything else that all the nurses were doing. After seven days in the NICU, we were finally on our way home. This is not what I imagined or planned for my last birth. But, the only thing that matters is that Justin was better and he was coming home...healthy!!! I don't know where I found the strength to keep up with the traveling and worrying and wondering, but it was magically there.

A Hero for Mom!!

Recently my best friend had a going away party for her son, Johnny. He is going into the Air Force! I have known my friend Sandy since we were about 8 years old. I remember when Johnny was born. Sandy was young when she got pregnant, and ended up raising him by herself. She has done an amazing job with Johnny and her two daughters that followed. Now she finds herself dealing with the most difficult time that a mother can face. She has to let go of her son, so he can find his own path in life. He is a very smart and courageous young man. He could have chosen a different path. He could have chosen to do drugs, or quit school, or just get a regular old job out of high school. She is proud of her sons' decisions, because they are honorable, even though she misses him and is worried about him. I believe he chose to be on this path of his, because of how Sandy raised him. She raised him to be a responsible, thoughtful, and generous man. Sandy is my new hero! She has as much courage, as much compassion, as much strength as Johnny has when taking on his new adventure. I have not experienced a separation like that with any of my children yet, but I know I will eventually. When that time comes, I am going to need to borrow some of Sandy's courage and strength, and I know she will be there to get me through. Thank You Sandy...for being you!!

Who's Your Daddy??

Is my real dad dead? Oh boy...what do I say to that one? My six year old son asked me this exact question a few days ago. It took everything for me to tell him that he wasn't dead, even though his father is nowhere to be found. How do I tell my son that his father just doesn't care that he is alive? Being the curious little boy that he is, he also asks me what his dad looks like. Just as I start thinking that I'm going to have to dig out a picture of him soon, he sees a friend and runs over to him to play. Whoa...that was a close one!! I have to hear these questions from both of my sons from time to time, and it never gets any easier. When they ask these questions, I am always tempted to start ranting about how he never calls, never pays child support, or never acknowledges their birthdays. I could say those things, but I don't. I am hoping that as time goes on, they will see for themselves what kind of person their father is. I believe all children deserve a father, but they are better off without one if they don't act like a father. In my mind their father is dead, and I am just fine with raising my boys without a negative influence.

Finding His Way!!

I have watched Brandon getting insulted and made fun of. I have watched him get pushed around. I have watched him being threatened with a fist in his face. I have even witnessed my son laying on the ground being kicked repeatedly. It seems as if I am the only one that sees him as an angel from heaven, and the kindest hearted person that ever lived. He cares and worries about everyone elses feelings before his own. He would never hurt anyone physically or verbally. Even when he is hurt first, he never hurts back. I have even given him permission to fight back. With all of this happening he always seems to bounce back. I just don't know how much more I can take. I wonder if it hurts me more than it hurts him. I want him to have the courage to stand up for himself, and not take all of the abuse. He doesn't deserve to be beat down, with his kindness , he should be the one that rises up and stands out for others to follow. Why does everyone want to follow the bullies or the bad kids. Why can't the new "cool" be the smart and sensitive kids. I have recently put Brandon in karate. He absolutely loves it. I am hoping that he learns that it is not ok for others to hurt him. I also hope that he learns to stand up for himself even when he is ready to pee his pants. I want Brandon to be more strong mentally that strong for the wrong reasons. I want him to outsmart these bullies and show them that he is a force that they don't want to mess with. I want him to finally get the respect he deserves and find his way through kindness and moral strength.

My Chipmunks!!!

Me and the kids just came back from watching the new Alvin and the chipmunks movie. It was so good, and the kids enjoyed it also. Although the chipmunks are not real, they reminded me alot of my three little boys. Alvin is the one that is the wild one and is not afraid to do anything; he reminds me of Justin. Even though Justin is only one, he is crazy and into everything already. He is going to be my little daredevil. Simon is the smart and tall chipmunk. He reminds me of my oldest son, Brandon. Brandon has glasses and is tall and slender like Simon. He is also very smart and is always thinking and being creative. He also takes care of his little brothers like Simon does in the movie. Then there is Theodore, the short chipmunk with the big eyes. Ryan, my middle child, would be the one most like him. In the movie Theodore is always eating, and has those big eyes that you can't say "NO" to. Ryan likes to come in my bedroom at night after a scary dream and sleep with me, and it was so cute when Theodore does the same in the movie.

I know they are not chipmunks, but it was fun to joke around with the boys and pretend that they were chipmunks for a while and laugh with each other. I enjoy their individuality, and all the things that make them different from each other. As we were watching the movie and one of the chipmunks would do something characteristic of one of them, they would whisper in my ear, "Mom, that is like something I would do." They are growing and learning about life so fast. I just want them to know that being different is a good thing, and their differences make them unique.

The Safety of my Children!!

I have had my children out of school for two days now because of bomb threats at their school. There were two found last week at the high school, which didn’t affect my children. Now on Monday of this week there was one found in the middle school, which is connected to the elementary school. This last note referenced to the time frame of Thursday at 1:30pm. On Tuesday morning, I was all ready to drive my kids to school when I was told about this threat. I drove to the school finding three police cars placed at various locations outside the middle school. I approached one of the officers and began to ask questions about the safety of our students. He didn’t seem worried and told me that it seemed like a copycat. He also told me that the person writing these notes couldn’t even spell the notes correctly. I think he might have thought that telling me that the person couldn’t spell would make me think that they are also not capable of making a bomb. People that cannot spell are still capable of very bad things. You don’t need to know how to spell to make a bomb. Now it is Wednesday morning, and I again attempted to bring my children to school. I arrived at the school to find the same amount of police cars at the same locations. I was seriously considering letting the kids go to school today. But, as soon as the clock struck 8:00am all of the police cars left, thus leaving me with an uneasy feeling yet again. I am going to pick up any classwork or homework from the teachers so they won’t fall behind in class. I wonder how long it will take or what can be said to make me feel that the school is safe enough for my children to return to school.

Split Personalities!!

Isn't it funny that when your children are visiting someone's home, they are perfect little angels. Yet, they are entirely different children in their own surroundings. Nevertheless, my constant lecturing and correcting of bad behavior must be working, because when strangers observe my children in public they usually comment on their outstanding behavior. Wow, I must be doing something right!! I really feel like I am an expert in parenting when my son's teacher said that he behaves perfectly in class. Then when he gets home that same day he is jumping in front of me and whining about how life is so unfair. This is also true when other peoples children are in my home, I will notice how well behaved they are. When I comment to their mother how good the children are, she will react the same way that I do...with surprise! Our job is to prepare them for the real world, and when in public they do behave the way I've taught them to.

My children's shadow!

I wish I could be my childrens shadow, and follow their footsteps with them each day? As I am doing the dishes or the laundry; what happiness, what sadness, what dilemmas are they facing at that moment in time? I know I cannot be with them every second of everyday, and I know I cannot baby them forever. How do I let them go but still be with them when I'm not? Are all my parental messages following them like a shadow, and when they need me, I'm already there? I'd like to think that this is what happens. I'd like to think that this shadow is like an armor and the bad influences from the outside world will just bounce off. I'd like to think that this shadow of me follows them throughout their day. When my children are offered drugs or alcohol, will this shadow help them to resist this temptation? When they are bullied by another child, will this shadow help them use their words rather than their fists? And when a bully uses force against my children, can that shadow help them know when to defend themselves? When they are approached by a stranger that means them harm, will this shadow help them to know that they are in danger? I wish for just one day that I could follow each of them as they go through a typical day. Just one day to feel what they feel, do what they do, see what they see. How is it all different from when I was their age? Is it harder to grow up these days, or is it basically the same kind of kid stuff that we had to deal with? Metal detectors, video cameras, and school shootings are a normal scene on any given newscast these days. I don't remember seeing this much school drama and violence in the media when I was in elementary school. How can I shield them from all of this? What will make them choose not to drink or do drugs? How will they get up the courage to stand up for themselves? What will keep them on the right track and help them to become a good hearted person? The values that I instill in my children are their protectors. A shadow of knowledge and morals shielding them from these complicated issues that they have to face out there in this crazy world.

What are my kids doing right now?

While sitting here in a college classroom at 33 years old, I wonder what my children are doing at home and what I am missing out on. What happened to the days where women always stayed home with there children? They didn't have to worry about finding a good paying job. All they had to worry about is getting the kids off to school, getting the household chores done, doing errands, and putting dinner on the table in the evening. It is not that simple anymore. More and more women are taking on the role of mother and father. On top of all the motherly duties of the past, they are also working full-time jobs to provide for their children. The only way to get a good paying job these days is to go to college, a high school diploma is not enough anymore.
I am so lucky to have a supportive partner and family, so I am able to go to school and eventually get a good paying job. Financial aid is also very helpful. It was not long ago that I was a single mother of two children, I see so many single mothers that are stuck on the low income roller coaster. Most have to support themselves and their children on state assistance and what ever low paying job they can get their hands on. Trying to get the fathers to pay child support is a losing battle, they are afraid to get involved with another man, forced to work a low paying job, just to put food on the table and not much else. Most are not close to their families, so they are alone when it comes to help in caring for the children in order for her to pay any attention to herself. Forget about trying to get into college! I actually tried that in 2004, when I was single with two kids, and I never made it to a classroom. I was up at 5:30am, after getting the kids to daycare, I was at work at 7am. My workday ended at 3:30pm, and off to pick up the kids. If I chose to attend those classes, I would have had to get a babysitter from 5pm to 8pm. That is a whole day without seeing my kids, and I would have been paying everyone else to raise my children.
This is now my chance to find out what makes me happy and eventually get paid for it. Hopefully attending school will show my children that where we are now is not where they have to be in the future. Maybe they will learn from my mistakes, and get it right from the beginning. I can see that if I do not stay on this road and take the time to further my education now, I will forever stay in an unhappy way of life and how are my children going to benefit from that.